missing you is worse than pittsburg

I would consider apologizing for the lack of posting, but I feel like if it hasn't become obvious that I cannot post based on a schedule, then you aren't reading carefully enough.

I arrived in Praha (Prague) on Wednesday afternoon...from there it was a harrowing and stomach-wrenching journey to get to Brno. Two bus rides later, it was dark, 21:00, and I was lost in Brno. Luckily I was numb from 36 hours of running on no sleep, and so rather than fully freaking out, I was so damn determined just to get to my destination in the city. I basically had a sketchy map and the name of a tram stop for my guide, and I used those to the best of my ability, only to end up eventually still following some college-aged kids off the tram and to my new residence. Thank goodness those people just happened to be also attending my university, otherwise I don't know where I would have ended up.

Each day is an adventure here, and not always in the best sense. The language barrier is terrifying, and much worse than I expected. I wish I knew more Czech, or I wish more of the signs were in English. Some days I ask myself why I didn't just go to France or England or even Australia, where I would have a shot at understanding and being able to function. Then there are the multiple instances of self-doubt, where I believe I might have made a mistake in coming here.

I've not let my fear keep me locked inside. Each day I try to get out and wander the city. Sometimes it is fascinating and I have a wonderful time or make great discoveries, and other times I just get horribly confused, embarass myself, and get yelled at by an aggrevated cashier in Czech. It's really hit or miss living here for me right now.

If you want to see some photos, go to http://kgettinger.shutterfly.com/ Eventually the photos will probably be used here, as well, but if anyone is curious and wants to look at them now and see my commentary, I recommend you go there. I might actually update it more frequently. No promises.

lost coastlines

i'm preparing for time travel. this is my last full day in the united states for a while...i'm not sure if i've packed everything i need, tied up all the loose ends before i go, or if i actually know what i am doing.

i hate airlines and airports.

i've prepared myself a playlist of music and i'm bringing a book, and hopefully i can sedate myself enough that i won't freak out too much.

This is my way of saying goodbye because I can't do it face to face. I'm talking to you before no matter what happens now you shouldn't be afraid because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

Mephistopheles is just beneath and he's reaching up to grab me

lately, i've been very anxious. i am having trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating...in a way i feel like i am trying to avoid the inevitable. i know that in less than five days, i will be leaving this country, and i won't be returning for at least five months.

every time it is brought up in conversation, i begin to feel sick. naturally, i attempt to sweep it under the rug or bury it underground, so i won't have to look at it or deal with it. the main pain is simply the anticipation. if i could simply go through with it, get established, get calm...then i think i could find some rest. but it is this uncertainty which is shredding my nerves to pulp.

this is a picture i took of some nuclei.

mike: please live past 30

i went to a party. for once in my life, i didn't stand around awkwardly in corners praying to the watermarks on the ceiling for someone to save me from my wallflower ways. instead, i held conversations like a normal human being and even danced a little, though i'm sure many were convinced i was just having convulsions in the middle of the living room.

regardless, i enjoyed myself last night. if anyone involved in that night reads this, i want to impersonally thank you, via this blog post, for facilitating my good mood. thanks.

we did what we could to save this house from falling

i find myself again in a miserable cafe of my hometown, attempting to slay the day but not really having a good motive. the coffee here is so bitter, i have to intermittently nurse a glass of ice water between sips. needless to say, i don't come here for the fine cuisine. if nothing else, it's just to escape the house and get a breath of fresh air. this vacation has made me feel sluggish and lazy.

honestly, i don't know what to do with these days. it's a tricky situation, where i am anxiously awaiting my birthday this coming weekend and the adventures that are sure to accompany it, but then at the end of the month i step on an airplane and leave this country for a good six months. while i'm sure brno will be exciting and a wonderful experience, the idea of it is turning me into an anxiety-riddled mess of skin and bones. i'm going to miss american friends and american experiences. doubt is a terrible demon.

well, back to this terrible cup of coffee.

we will live as our ghosts will live

well, not much to report. i've been wasting my days baking, cooking my family dinner, drawing, and reading a little. i miss my friends and i feel sluggish and lazy.

it is almost my birthday, and that is exciting.

i went to the doctor today. he tells me i'm 69 inches tall and i have poor circulation. it will improve when the weather becomes warmer. i cannot wait for spring/summer...i am faded from the winter.

how many iron and wine references can i make in one post? i should top this off with an appropriate drawing.

drawing circles in the air

well, it's the new year. i went out of town for the holiday, and that was entertaining. if i had stayed here, i would have just ended up watching late night television by myself and sneaking sips from the liquor cabinet. instead, i went to a party for about an hour and then left to take care of a sick boyfriend. i didn't mind.

plans for the new year? a resolution? eh, perhaps i'll try not to be so mean, and to clean up my language.

last night was the best sleep i've had in a long time. i feel great.